divorce

I have always wanted to live a BIG life. I remember in high school I had great plans. I was going to go to college to become a teacher and then I was going to back pack across Europe and finally join the Peace Corp. It was a given. I was content to stay single and not have children. I didn’t think I would every be celebrated on Mother’s Day. It sounds so strange saying that out loud now, but I remember how confident I was about that path. So imagine my surprise when at 18 years old I fell in love and everything changed. I ended up being one of the first of my friend group to get married and have kids. I gave birth to my first baby one month after graduating from college. I walked in my graduation ceremony 8 months pregnant and wearing breast pads because my boobs were leaking like crazy. Life is funny that way.

I was a baby when I became a mama. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing yet somehow, the minute I laid eyes on my baby, I knew this is exactly where I was supposed to be. Every single day I am continuing to grow and evolve and learn new things when it comes to motherhood. I am SO DAMN THANKFUL that my “plans” didn’t go as expected. Motherhood made me a better human. These kids of mine have expanded my heart in a million ways. We grew up together and they were the best teachers I could have ever imagined.

Don’t get me wrong. Our lives have not been perfect. We have been through so much together. I have cried tears of joy and tears of heartache over motherhood. We have celebrated together and fought one another. We have lifted each other up and walked away from one another with a slammed door for affect. We have supported and disagreed. We have weathered divorce, hospitals and mental health concerns. We are right in the heart of giving each other roots AND wings. And I cannot imagine my life in any other way.

I am grateful. So grateful that my best laid out plans went up in flames 23 years ago. So thankful that I had a family behind me that supported me and loved me and showed me that life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful. At 47 years old I have learned that an open heart and a compassionate soul will take you all the way home. I have learned (well…I still LEARNING) that we cannot control everything. Our plans are not always what they should be. Our lives don’t always go as expected. These babies that I never knew I needed, have made me who I am today and have become the heart of everything I do. I do not take this job lightly. I understand that not everyone chooses to have kids. Not everyone has the supportive family behind them to lean on. Some women out there long for babies and would do anything to have them but can’t. Not everyone is so happy with the way their lives turned out when their plans didn’t go as expected. I don’t have all the answers. The only thing I am sure of is that I actually have no idea what I am doing. So Happy Mother’s Day to all you women out there who have been a support to someone in your life. I hope you continue to have an expectant heart on this journey of life and somehow find your peace in the moments you are given. Sending love to all the women out there…no matter where you are on this path. Your story matters.